Self-Compassion

Things have been very scary and anxiety provoking for many people recently. Many people aren't sure what to say or do given all the challenges facing our society. Whether it is dealing with the impact of the COVID 19 pandemic or the current protests advocating for an end to police violence and equality for people of color - it can cause suffering in us no matter what your opinion is. Many of my clients report feeling exhausted and not just from a lack of sleep but from emotional fatigue. The issues facing our world often present us with anger, grief, anxiety, feeling unsafe, and many other emotional reactions. We are also having to make many decisions about how to keep ourselves and loved ones safe. Do I go grocery shopping? Should I drive through that neighborhood? Should I send my children to school? And these decisions are far more taxing than the used to be.

Many clients have asked me, what can I do to feel better? How can I ease my own suffering at this time without being dismissive of the important issues at hand? One of my most common answers is "Compassion." Compassion for the world at large but also compassion for ourselves. Many look at me when I say this with confusion asking first what compassion is and then how could they have self--compassion.

Compassion is a turning towards. It is feeling for someone's suffering. It is a desire within us to ease someone's suffering. It is understanding and kindness even when people have made mistakes. Imagine that you've just seen a homeless person sitting on the side of the road at an intersection in tattered clothes in the summer heat. Compassion is the feeling many people get in wanting to ease that person's suffering and trying to understand how difficult things may be for them. Compassion doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge that a person may have made poor choices or mistakes in teh past that lead to their current suffering. It just means we still have understanding and kindness for them despite this.

Just as you can have compassion for others it is important to be compassionate with yourself. Again, it doesn't mean you have to say you are perfect or free from mistakes. It just means practicing kindness and understanding with yourself. It means acknowledging your basic worth as a human being and that you to deserve to be free from suffering.

Dr. Kristin Neff is a compassion researcher and offers several exercises on her website https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/ that you can try to strengthen your self compassion. A really simple one that she has listed there is thinking about how you would respond to a close friend who is experiencing the same suffering you are and using that to consider how you are treating yourself. It is definitely something to think about. As you move through your days right now, try to keep compassion in your mind and heart not only for others, but for yourself.