A Christmas Story

So you made it through Thanksgiving. Congratulations! Whether you survived a second helping of Aunt Stella’s green bean casserole or made it through a day filled with a cacophony of clanking dishes, screaming children, and interrogations from distant relatives – you made it through. For many though, that is just the first hurdle in a daunting holiday season. While the holidays are wonderful for some people, (I admit I am one of those star eyed holiday junkies who loves everything from fudge to trees) they aren’t for everyone. The holidays are often part of a larger seasonal depression or a reminder of things lost. The holidays also fall on a time of year when many families are doing struggling with loss of seasonal work, high heating bills, and healthcare expenses.

A recent article in the Providence Journal by psychologist Ben Johnson, PhD “Mental Edge: 10 Ways to Keep the Blues atBay this Holiday Season” might give you some insight into ways you can beat the blues if they are a problem for you this season. All of these are good suggestions but one of them caught my eye, “Let go of limiting life stories.”  The way we tell our stories can have a profound impact on our lives. 

There have been many research studies that have investigated and found that how we tell our stories is directly related to things like mood, longevity, and self-concept. David Snowdon and colleagues (2001) examined handwritten autobiographies from 180 Catholic nuns, composed when participants were in their 20’s.  They found that those narratives that had more positive emotional content were associated with longevity over six decades later.  In another study, Libby and colleagues (2005) found that the way people described an embarrassing incident from high school impacted their views on their change and development since that time. It also affected the way that they were able to sustain self-improvement.   

As a psychologist working in a clinical setting I see examples of this nearly every day. Those clients who describe difficulties as challenges and not as things that are inherently wrong with themselves are much more easily able to overcome their difficulties.  In the last Psyowa blog post, one of the tips for practicing gratitude was to look at situations in a different way. This is very similar, but now you are looking at your life story in a different way.

Many people have had horrible things happen in their lives, but how you tell that story can make a huge difference. Let’s look at a story and see how viewing it differently might impact someone.  

When John was a small child he was the victim of physical and emotional abuse in his home. His parents were both alcoholics and were poor parents to John. He often would come home to an empty house and his parents would return late in the night waking him to violent outbursts. The family had little money and John often wore ragged clothes to school. Many of the other children picked on him and he had few friends.

Looking back at that story John could tell himself that all of those things happened because he was a looser and didn’t deserve better. He could tell himself that he had no choice in life and his life will always be terrible because it is his destiny. Alternatively, he could tell himself that the things that happened to him in childhood had little to do with him. They were unfortunate things that happened and now that he is an adult he can choose differently. He can applaud himself for surviving such difficult times and see himself as a strong man for doing so. There are stark differences in how each of those stories might affect John, even though they are based on the same set of life events.

One of the most popular holiday movies, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, operates on the same concept. The main character tells himself that he isn't very valuable and that his life didn't impact others. As a result, he doesn't feel his life is worth living. After he is shown a different story, based on the same events, he realizes how valuable his life is.

This holiday season when you start to feel blue about your situation think about the story you are telling yourself about your own life. If you find that it’s a story of sorrow, difficulty, and hopelessness it may be time to rewrite your story. Instead of focusing on the things that are wrong in your life, focus on what is right. Think about the ways in which your story weaves in with others’ stories. Just like in the movie the main character finds that his time on earth deeply impacted others and changed their stories. Whether its smiling at a man on the bus on your way to work or saving your brother from drowning in a freezing pond, your story matters. It is the season for a new kind of Christmas story.

Danner, D.D., Snowdon,D.A., and Friesen, W.V. (2001) Positive emotions in early life and longevity: Findings from the nun study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 80(5), May 2001, 804-813.

Johnson, B. (2014, November 30). Mental Edge: 10 ways to keep blues at bay and enjoy the holiday season. Retrieved December 2, 2014.

Libby , L. K. , Eibach , R. P. , & Gilovich , T . ( 2005 ). Here’s looking at me: the eff ect of memory perspective on assessments of personal change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ,88 , 50 – 62.